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Going Bump In The Night

So I wake up in the middle of the night, with something akin to the sound of a sailing ship under stress in a high gale. "creak, creak, creak."

I get up and realize it's Havey cat -- who weighs approximately three tons, give or take a hundred pounds -- who, for reasons inexplicable, has decided to promenade himself across the printer and other equipment at the other end of our bedroom.

Remove Havey cat. Explain inadvisability of this, while he looks at me with his confused little eyes. Pet him a bit. Go back to bed. Start sort of falling asleep...


Remove Havey from printer. Scold him in whisper so as not to wake up husband, go back to bed.


Havey has jumped in a single leap (imagine a big, heavy white pillow taking flight) five feet up to the back of my research chair, which is now being subjected to downward pressure, for which it wasn't designed, and which must approach that under which coal turns to diamond.

At that point I realize that Miranda-cat, who normally sleeps with #2 son is watching this interestedly from top of research desk. This puts it in perspective. What I'm watching is not casual cat nuttery but, somehow, a battle in the bizarre war between the two white cats in the house: Havey and D'Artagnan. (No, don't ask why. They both are convinced There Can be Only One. Perhaps they each think the other is a rogue clone.) Miranda, who rules the house with an iron paw, is clearly the referree.

Try to defuse the situation by grabbing D'Artagnan -- who is the least hygienically challenged of the white cats -- and take him to bed with me. He curls up at my feet. Miranda, uninterested, leaves the room. Ahhhhh. Sleep at last.

Creak, creak, creak.

Get up, half asleep, grab Havey-cat. Toss him out the door. Close the door. Get back to bed. Euclid and D'Artagnan sleeping respectively at Dan's and my feet. They're polite cats who ask to go out to use the box, so no problem, right?

Start drifting to sleep. Wake up to sound of almighty cat battle at my feet. "Wha?" Not only are the only two cats Euclid and D'Artagnan, but anyone capable of picking a fight with Euclid would be able to pick a fight with cheese. Euclid JUST doesn't fight back, unless it's his tail that he's fighting.

As eyes focus -- slowly -- realize that D. has decided this is his chance to have mom and dad all to himself and is biting Euclid till he screams.

Lean down confusedly and swat first lump. Bad luck, it's Euclid. Who immediately decides I've gone nuts and skeedadles to the door, where he begs me to let him out.

Deciding to make the best of a bad thing, grab D. under my arm, open door, and throw him out at the same time Euclid goes out.

Go back to bed. Ahhhhhhh. Repose at last...

Knock, knock, knock.

Half asleep brain thinks "Kid must be sick and need me."

"Yes, who is it?"

MEOOOOOOOOW OW OW. -- in demanding tones.

"Oh, go increase and multiply" (not that politely.) "Since when do you knock on doors. Leave me alone."

Knock, knock, knock. MEoooow ow! ow!

Put pillow over head and manage a semblance of sleep.


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 25th, 2010 05:00 pm (UTC)
Ha! I got woke up the other night by my dog, who is bouncing on one side of me happily, because on the other side of me is my cat, who hates the dog with an unholy passion. My cat normally is downstairs at night. She hopped up, because I had spaced off feeding her before I went to bed.
I was fully expecting to become the center of a war zone.
Jun. 25th, 2010 05:09 pm (UTC)
Oh! You had a night like mine.
Jun. 25th, 2010 05:51 pm (UTC)
It's so much funnier to read than to live through!

If the allergies hadn't already dictated it, you've just convinced me irrefutably never to have indoor cats! :)
Jun. 25th, 2010 08:14 pm (UTC)
ah, the joys of being owned by one's cats. Mind if I repost an excerpt to metaquotes?
Jun. 26th, 2010 01:27 am (UTC)
Go ahead :)
Jun. 25th, 2010 09:09 pm (UTC)
I grab the cat, rub a handful of water into the fur on top of her head, then toss her out of the room and go back to bed. It usually works for a few days. Of course, I've only got the one.
Jun. 26th, 2010 01:31 am (UTC)
So, we're having this problem with the two white boys and possibly Euclid (that cat is so many flavors of odd) peeing on our leather sofas, all of a sudden, after years of having both sofas and cats. (Yes, we've cleaned with enzime stuff)

The other day I lost it, rubbed all their noses in it and tossed them in the shower.

Not only was Havey terrified of me for days, but now he runs whenever I SMELL/SNIFF anything. This cat is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. To quote Pterry, he's probably a spoon. I don't think rubbing water on him would do much...
Jun. 25th, 2010 10:09 pm (UTC)
I do not believe that Havelock has grown big, and require photographic proof of this alleged development. ;)
Jun. 26th, 2010 01:28 am (UTC)
But I keep posting pictures of him!
Jun. 26th, 2010 01:33 am (UTC)
...and *now*, having checked your FB images, I see adult ones.

He has a big tail. And has grown impressively.

Nevertheless: More!
Jun. 26th, 2010 02:30 am (UTC)
Could it be you just like teh kitteh pictures?
Jun. 26th, 2010 03:13 am (UTC)
Kittehs are cute, and awesome. And they have ears.
Jun. 26th, 2010 12:30 am (UTC)
there are definite advantages in being the devoted slaves of just one cat
Jun. 26th, 2010 01:29 am (UTC)
People with one cat are not REALLY owned. Like people with one kid don't know what it's like to be REALLY parents. It's when you have more than two -- ie not enough hands to control all of them -- that you know what cats really are.

Jun. 26th, 2010 06:41 am (UTC)
Sorry for the sleepless night, but this was too funny. :-) And yeah, I'm a total coward. I'm keeping our Feline Overlord a solo.
Jun. 26th, 2010 01:28 pm (UTC)
peeing cats
I visited the Hoyts and discovered all the sofas were now covered with clear plastic sheets. I thought Sarah had become possessed by Deranged Southern Housekeeper. :-0
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )